Well I be damned

Foreign workers in my backyard? Oh nono!

2008-10-03T22:18:00.017+08:00

Dormitory decision upsets some Serangoon Gardens residents
By Pearl Forss, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 03 October 2008 2124 hr

SINGAPORE: Despite the various mitigating measures being proposed, some residents in Serangoon Gardens did not take too well to news that a foreign workers' dormitory is going to be set up in the area.

The dormitory will be at the former Serangoon Garden Technical School school site, just right across the road from the residents.

There is going to be additional fencing to keep workers in as well as planters to screen the site. But is this a satisfactory compromise for residents?

"I am fed up!" a woman screamed from her car.

"I am thinking of moving out," said a resident.

"We are living with people; they move around. If you fence them up, and say 'this is your area, this is my area', I don't think it is going to work," said Angela Yeo, a resident at Burghley Drive.

Although the dormitory is for manufacturing and services foreign workers, residents said it does not mean security is less of a concern.

Chen Sung Sheng, a resident at Burghley Drive, said: "I think it is the same, isn't it? It all boils down to the same.....foreign workers, regardless of what they are working as. Of course, we can't say that all foreign workers are bad. But majority of us are not very happy about it."

The other issue that irks residents - the way the decision was made.

"The whole consultation process, while it was useful, it kind of makes the residents feel 'what was the point?" said Lim Chia Joo, a resident at Burghley Drive.

But some felt the proposed measures allay their concerns.

Rose Tan, a Serangoon Gardens resident, said: "If, after that study, they think that it is feasible to go ahead with the project, I am sure they would have taken steps to address the many concerns that were raised by the residents."

Residents are asking the police to step up patrols in the area. They also want the police post, which operates from noon to 10pm, to extend its opening hours.

______________________

What kind of people live in Serangoon Gardens? I know a few living around the area, and they're really nice folks. But judging from the report above, some of the residents there are well, fucked up innit?

What is it about foreign workers really? No no, really. Ask yourself. What? Is it their hairstyles? Oh gosh not the hairstyles! I be damned if i have over 500 people living around me with the same hairstyle!!!

Are they that bad? (the foreign workers, not the hairstyles). Are they a feral bunch of homesapiens? A sub-species of humans who do not deserve the same standard of living as Singaporeans because well...they don't earn as much as us? They don't talk the same language as us? They do stuff like wearing cheap shirts n bell-bottomed jeans, combined with -oh the horror- slippers? Such a wild bunch that additional fencing is needed because god forbids, what if they run lose??? -shudders at the thought-

With some residents screaming in horror at the verdict (a term i use loosely here) of having the dormitory in their backyard, others are even considering moving out. My my. Moving out? Yes, we are living with people. Not savages of an uncivilized society. They're not out to steal your children and eat them for breakfast folks. They're just making a living in our country. By taking up a job most Singaporeans won't do - construction.

But yet here we are, vilifying them, as if they don't deserve to even sniff the air that hovers in Serangoon Gardens. "Ehh cannot cannot, this is high class air! you high class or not??".

There was another piece of reporting which got me riled up.

______________________

Foreign workers prefer to stay away from residential estates
By Imelda Saad, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 11 September 2008 1854 hrs

SINGAPORE : The idea of a self-contained township for foreign workers has been given a thumbs-up by foreign workers themselves. But foreign worker advocates said more should be done to help these workers integrate with the wider community.

Singaporeans who do not want foreign workers living near them cite security concerns and even a downgrade in their property value as reasons.

But are these fears rational? Some foreign workers welfare groups said it is simply a fear of the unknown. That is why they are advocating that foreign workers be integrated with the wider community through a more structured orientation programme.

"I think community centres are a good start. If they are able to do social activities that can involve both migrant workers along with its local community, either through festivals or through sports activities or National Day Parade, it's a good opportunity to bring the two groups together," said Sha Najak, helpline manager at Transient Workers Count Too.

She added that current orientation roadshows may be a little too top-down in approach.

But some foreign workers said they are quite happy to live among themselves, away from housing estates.

"Wherever the dormitories, if it is away from the residents, it's better because when it's very near to the residents' area, the workers have to go to the same FairPrice supermarket, or ... canteen, they might misunderstand each other," said Keve Xavier, a foreign worker.

But others said they would like to get to know Singaporeans better to ease misunderstandings.

"Really, we feel shame too (when) the people go and disrupt everybody, and nobody likes to stay with those people," said Nathan Neduzcheliyan, also a foreign worker.

"We want to establish a good relationship between the Singaporeans and workers," said foreign worker Humayun Kabeer.

Responding to Channel NewsAsia, the People's Association said some grassroots organisations have engaged foreign workers through ad-hoc programmes aimed at helping them integrate into the community.

The government has said that more Singaporeans will find themselves living in the midst of foreign workers as Singapore expands.

While no solution has been reached yet for residents of Serangoon Gardens, the National Development Ministry is looking into the issue and is expected to respond soon. - CNA /ls

______________________

Yes, this is a very long entry, but bear with me folks. And i congratulate you upon reaching this part. You shall be rewarded with pictures of naked ladies (or guys, whichever u prefer) later okay? Moving on. First off, the headline is fucking misleading. It gives the impression that foreign workers, or the majority of them, prefer to stay away from residential areas. Only some of them lah aiyo. Your headline is biased leh Imelda Saad. But that's not my main gripe. This is;

Singaporeans who do not want foreign workers living near them cite security concerns and even a downgrade in their property value as reasons.

Goodness. I don't mind their concerns on 'security' though i would like to know what those are exactly. But 'a downgrade in their property value'? They're human beings, not unsightly objects. If an area is notorious for being a red light district, property value will spiral downwards. It's the perception that sleaze...is in. So if the area is full of foreign workers, then how? It'll link back to the perception that the place will be unsafe which brings me to the point of, what exactly are these security concerns?

Around 1000 people signed the petition against the dormitory. I would like a petition to put those 1000 on a bloody island and let them have their own society there. Where no one will ever bother them and bring down their property value and also, put in 70 neighbourhood police post, and surround the island with the navy. You know, so they have ample safety.

Fucking ehy?

Have a Merry Aidilfitri people

2008-09-27T11:42:00.003+08:00

See. An update!

One of the best comedy websites that Singapore has ever created has to be stomp.com.sg. Honestly folks, i don't have to elaborate further. Just go ahead and laugh your head off.

F1 is in Singapore. I am not excited.

I get pissed when i wish to withdraw $20 from an ATM and it says instead,

"Unable to withdraw $20. Would you like to withdraw $50 instead?". Oh nono it did not run out of $10 bills folks, what it's really saying is,

"Just $20? You cheap bastard. Make it $50 instead and i'll flash your embarrassing bank balance abit longer for everybody to see."

For those office people who descend upon Tanjong Pagar MRT every morning, are you retarded? Stand on the left of the escalator if you wish to enjoy the scenery. If not, do not fucking stand on the right hand side. It is for people who are in a hurry and those who really need to pee.

Guitar hero on the Wii is strangely addictive.

I've ranted enough. For now.

well, hello

2008-09-24T20:29:00.002+08:00

goodness.

Sweetheart, could you please revamp the other site so i can start writing again?

Heh. ok. I've been bugging TLML to design a template for me, and one of my reasons for not updating here is because I want to wait for the new template to be up. Oh there'll be a change of add as well.

Look out for me ya. Let's start attacking my fellow Singaporeans once again.

In a humourous way, of course.

-coughs-

...

2008-06-03T23:38:00.002+08:00

Dora the explorer.....crucified.

Marketing

2008-05-30T19:38:00.006+08:00

Hello folks.

I wont be posting photos of my third day in KL cause...nothing exciting happened. Other than the fact that I went A&W for breakfast. So we shall move along now.

I am rather lazy to write up a new article. Therefore, i shall just extract an archaic entry from my old site. Was written in 2006.

Mar 02, 2006

Comment of the day:

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So after thirty days and seventeen inches of extra penis length later and you're convinced that you want the remainder of the guide, just give us a call and we'll charge the remaining US$329 to your account. If you are still not convinced...keep the porn DVD! It's our way of saying, "Thanks for trying!"

Day 2 pictures

2008-05-15T21:56:00.007+08:00

Day 2 of the ridiculously cheap ass Kuala Lumpur trip.

Funny, my room looks something like this.

Sexy legged Benson and myself along with Mr 'Pantat Minah (PM)' Furhan.

Don't lie mangkok! This photo is staged ladies and gentlemen! Mangkok saw nothing spectacular! Probably a traffic light, at most.

Okay the mascot annoyed the fuck out of me. Firstly it looks like a rip off of the teletubbies, and I don't like teletubbies. Secondly it looks like a guy in a tudung, and that is disturbing.

Piece of shit mascot. So is the signal strength indicated on it's front suppose to double up as it's zipper as well? I bet the person who came up with the design must have thought that he's pretty creative ehy? No fuck you. You are not creative. You drew a guy in a tudung.

Our destination, Berjaya Times Square. Well, the indoor amusement park to be specific.

Cheap Bastards. Look at our faces. Our, $50 for 3 days 2 nights, faces.

We kept ogling at the roller coaster, of course. Any ride which looks like it might end your life prematurely is a must try. A tad anti-climatic though, because the ride was too short. And we went on it for like, 3 or 4 times. Mangkok backed out at the 2nd try! You bloody pussy. You are able to save lives and brave intense fires but this?? -shakes head-. I bring you go the pasar malam one for training first ok? Along with a dirty pillow and a pacifier for you when you take the 2 km/h rides at the pasar malam.

Folks, meet Mr PM and Sexy Legs. See their expressions? Mr PM has a rather winsome smile on his visage while Sexy legs was err...going for the smoldering look i suppose.

Folks, see their expressions now? Such a disparate version from the previous one ehy? Basically the ride just goes round and round...with a unbelievable increment of speed with each round.

Mr PM's expression now is from the fact that he is backing up against Sexy Legs.

You are looking at possibly, at that given moment, the 2 most happiest Singaporeans (don't forget cheap bastards!) in Malaysia. Pure bliss on their expressions i tell you.

After all the excitement of day two, it was time to grab a bite, not before posing before a painted tree of course. I mean, why pose in front of a real tree when you can find one that is painted onto a wall right? It's more, poignant i suppose.

End of day 2.

Kuala Lumpur, 3 days 2 nights for $50. Ya uh.

2008-05-09T19:20:00.004+08:00

Hello Folks. This is a long, overdue entry.

I went to KL for 3 days 2 nights on package which costs $50 early this year. Quite a steal isn’t it? I would have updated sooner if not for our dearest mangkok, who just managed to send me the photos a day or two back. Nonetheless, much appreciated bro.

Now for you cheap bastards who are wondering how on earth I managed to get such a bargain, let me elaborate. First off, I would like to thank the nice folks over at Temasek Polytechnic errr..Alumni group? Bloody hell i’ve forgotten their appointment, but, they remain close, in my heart. My cheap, bastard heart.

The $50 covered accommodation and transport mind you, so for those pansies who thought that such cheap costs equated to crap lodging and an unorthodox method of transporting me into Malaysia (such as swimming across the causeway), you guys thought wrong. Nyeh.

Well actually, I had my initial trepidation in regards to the ridiculous price that was on offer. Benson, my sexy legged colleague, had smsed me just a few days before the trip and enquired my interest. I nearly choked on my chicken, much to the bemusement of TLML. By the way luv, hello.

Fast foward a few days later and strapped with a civil defence field pack on my back, I was off to the land of mat rempit(s), scenario(s), Siti Nurhaliza(s) and the short-sleeved tudung ladies.

I shan’t divulge much on the trip, because I am too damn lazy to be writing for the amusement of you folks. I shall leave you with pictures of course, and perhaps one of these days, I will just write about the accommodation and give you folks an alternative lodging when you’re in our neighboring country.

One of these days lah ah.

Here are pictures to day 1.

Aww look at that, everybody smiling and being friendly with each other. What you didn't see was that we were all gathered around a bonfire and singing patriotic songs at the causeway before we were called for this group picture. Come along, smile with us in this picture.

Mangkok had always wanted to be pirate. Right before this picture was taken, he asked me, "Fee, do you think I'll make a good pirate?", I just had to reply, "You see mangkok, being a pirate isn't easy, and when you...holy fuck dude look at the carpet on this bus"

We reached KL around 5 am. When it's 5 am, there is no smiles. No one smiles, absolutely bloody no one.

Like I said, no one. I do not know who's brilliant idea it was to take a picture as this hour. Must be mangkok's. Bloody mangkok. And no, the teh didnt help. Tasted good though.

Both sexy legged Benson and myself were seduced by the couch while waiting for our rooms to be available.

End of Day 1.

IronMan

2008-05-05T16:48:00.005+08:00

Folks, I saw this movie over the weekend.

You see the thing is, I never really fancied Ironman as a superhero. A literal translation in malay for Ironman would be ‘Orang Besi’ i suppose, and what’s so impressive about a metal dude? I mean, if you have a really giant magnet, he can’t really go anywhere now can he?

But of course, it isn’t technically iron, just that it was a convenient assumption on the media’s part. Damn those journalists. Nonetheless, how is the movie really?

The first of many summer blockbusters to come, Ironman really is stupendously delightful. Really folks, go see it. You’ll giggle, you’ll cringe, you’ll flinch, you’ll be exhilarated, and most importantly, you’ll be thoroughly entertained. Robert Downey’s charming portrayal of Tony Sparks makes him the likable asshole. I won’t dwell too much into the nifty details of this movie but trust me folks, it’s a movie worth watching.

Here are some pictures.

How can anyone not find this cool? Seriously? Sure he doesn't have nostrils, but don't judge him.

"Are you touching my bobos? Hey, what's going on down there? I can't see, my neck is stuck" Tony Sparks seem to be asking his shiny friend.

"Look, Im gonna repeat it for the last time...my baldness is genetic, yours was created!"

Oh yea, make it out of lego and of all the poses you could do, you make it sit cross-legged.

Note to self: Do not place hands on hot stoves.

Ironman in tudung.

End.

An educational entry - Animal Kingdom

2008-04-30T12:28:00.003+08:00

TLML gave me this link a few weeks back. I’m not too sure what she’s hinting at but I shall look into that later.

Okay the article basically informs us about the interesting sexual behaviours of our friends in the animal kingdom. They really are an interesting read and I couldn’t help injecting my own random thoughts to them.

The Birds and The Bees: Sex in the Animal Kingdom

We humans like to think we invented sex, but we could learn a lot from the animal kingdom. Here are some tips to spice up your love life from creatures great and small...

1. INDIAN COBRAS: The Masters of Make-Up Sex. Indian cobras will strike at each other repeatedly, until the female decides she's had it and signals that she's ready by laying her head on the ground. The male then begins copulation with one or both of his two penises, with "the act" lasting from a few minutes to an entire day.

a. One or two penises? Are you fucking kidding me?

b. I wonder if the male has a favourite penis and like the female has a preference for a certain penis. “I like this one cause its bumpier sweetheart”

c. If the equipment fails, there’s always back up.

2. TURTLES: The Four-Foot Fetish. The males of some types of turtles will suck on the feet of the female, perhaps as a type of foreplay. And in some cases to the frisky male will push his luck and take the female's entire head into his mouth.

a. Something new to try out in the bedroom folks. Just give your girlfriend ample warning ait? You don’t go, “Honey, hey come look at this –chomp-“.

3. OCTOPUSES: Can't Get Past Second Base. Pity the poor octopus. The male and female will face each other during mating, but their "naughty bits" will never touch. Instead, the male will ejaculate onto one of his own tentacles and place the sperm in the female.

a. Oh this is sad. This is really sad. It’s like after wanking off, you give the sperm to your girlfriend and say...”nah..sperm..take lor”

4. SEA LIONS: They Like to Watch. The California sea lion is the voyeur of the aquatic world, enthralled by watching their fellow sea lions have sex. In fact, this is often the only gratification a young male sea lion has, as the older males will viciously protect their rights to their "harems." These seasoned pros, therefore, keep busy gettin' busy during the two-month-long mating season, when they must satisfy the needs of their entire female "fan base."

5. GIRAFFES: Master of the Headache Excuse. Feeling spurned by your girlfriend or wife? Then feel sorry for the hapless male giraffe. Often, female giraffes are so disinterested in sex that the female will simply walk away in the middle of "the act," leaving the male to plummet to the ground.

a. Sounds familiar. Hmm.

6. RHINOCEROSES: Sting Has Nothing On Them. Sure, the Police frontman is known for his ability to "go the distance," but the male rhino will often perform sex for hours, sometimes reaching his climax every 10 minutes, ready to go again and again. Call it the reward for some punishing foreplay: the male and female rhinoceroses will charge into each other repeatedly before mating, crashing their 2,000-plus bodies head-on at speeds approaching 35 miles per hour.

a. Oh yea TLML and I do that for foreplay as well...what? You guys don’t?

7. CHIMPANZEES: Those Oversexed, Cheeky Monkeys. Okay, we know they're not technically monkeys. They're actually much more closely related to humans, which may explain why they're considered the primates most fascinated with sex. Chimps are known to indulge in oral sex play, mutual masterbation, and repeated sessions of sex that can number more than 20 times per day.

a. I thought I was kinky. These guys are champions.

8. BEDBUGS: Really Don't Let Them Bite. The male bedbug will bite a hole into the female's back and place his sperm into it. The eggs quickly fertilize in their new home, and the embryos develop within the female's exoskeleton.

a. Bloody hell. Bloody hell.

9. PRAYING MANTISES: Pray Your Partner Is Already Full From Dinner. The female praying mantis, right in the middle of "love-making" will eat the head of the male. But like any sex-crazed guy, he won't let a simple thing like losing his head stop him from finishing his job.

a. This is perfect for those inspirational type posters. You put the picture of a headless mantis humping the female mantis missionary style, with the tag which says...”Perseverance”...

10. TAPEWORMS: Who Needs a Partner? A single tapeworm can have over 10,000 sets of male and female sexual organs, the most of any creature. Each set mates with itself to create eggs. The longest tapeworm on record was over 230 feet in length.

a. It’s like having a penis and a vagina at the same time. Where’s the fun in that. Then again, it puts a literal meaning to the term, “Go fuck yourself!”.

These are my cats

2008-04-25T01:04:00.009+08:00

"woah..dude...the colors on this table man...woah..hey I think he just took my picture"

"wha..what? Im sleeping...I don't care if you want to have your dinner"

"I love plastic flavored...err..plastics...yum yum...what awesome treat! I love my owner!

No comment, really. I think he was dreaming that he was in a Kung-fu scene or something.

I do not know where he hid his arms.

" OH WOW!!! SHENG SIONG PLASTIC BAGS!!!!"

"Okay so, now...I think im suppose to flush...where's the button..wait..I think somebody just took my picture"

"What? A washing machine? Of course I know this is a washing machine."

"What? You haven't seen a cat in a washing machine? You need to get out more man -defensive tone-"

-frowns-

End.

2058 and a holey mouth

2008-04-22T19:52:00.006+08:00

I am feeling highly perturbed.

My removal of the stitches was today, and when I arrived at the National Dental Centre (NDC), I had been already been 20 minutes later than my scheduled appointment timing, which was at 10 am.

So I was late, and I think the receptionist was secretly punishing me when I was issued my call number:

2058.

I didn’t give much thought to it at first because when I glanced up at the board, it was 2054. Im like “ Hey! Just four more people before my turn! My number rocks!”.

My number didn’t rock. My number was the devil’s number. It was pulled out from the devil’s asshole, with its objective to thoroughly punish me and remind me not to be late, ever. On my slip of paper, as of many waiting slips, had the fine print which said, “ Q Number may not run in sequence.” I think it was printed there to avoid potential lawsuits, because it turned out that ‘may not run in sequence’ also meant ‘we’re just mind fucking you with our numbers because we can’.

2054...never moved. It stayed there. And on other rooms, numbers I never even thought existed, like 1042, 7014, and 6043 all kept flashing. And mine was just 2054, it never budged. I just stared at it thinking, “Whoever is inside 2054, I am cursing your entire family with dental problems.”It did start moving after I had watched my 4^th child graduate from university, and it moved from 2054...to 2055...then 2057....and then 2059. Where the hell did my number go? And then it went to 2056! Oh I honestly thought now they’re just throwing out random numbers. I was seriously expecting 2057.5 or something when my number finally did flash out!

2058.

I was 22 when I arrived. I walked in at 73.

And it finally brings me to the point of what happened after the stitches were removed. When the doctor showed me the insides of my mouth, I flinched. There are now holes inside them.

I am holey. Holy fuck I am highly disturbed by it. Doc said it’s normal and it will close up after around 2 weeks. 2 weeks? 2 bloody weeks, I’m going to be walking around with holes in my mouth. Oh my goodness it is seriously disturbing folks. The most alarming bit was this device:

I am supposed to squirt in water into the holes after I’m done eating so as to flush it out. I’m supposed to wha...? Squirt myself. That’s it. Because i have holes in my mouth. So if any of you folks have a meal with me, do pardon me if I promptly excuse myself after eating ya?

Because I have to squirt in the hole.

And then I started thinking, what could I do with the hole ehy? Im a nice guy folks, so if you have a hole in your mouth like me, here is a list of how you can fully utilize the hole :

Place spare change in them. “Oh guys I have coins! - inserts index and middle finger into my mouth and skilfully removes the coins-”
I could put some soil in them and start growing plants.
My colleague says that I could use it as a washing machine. I said, ‘Well, if my t-shirts are really tiny, why not?’. Left hole will be where I stuff the really tiny tee in and put some detergent in it, and gargle. Right hole will be for drying.
TLML says I could hide peanuts in them.
I can grow sea monkeys! Like two warring factions, on each side of my mouth.
I can squirt chilli into my left hole, and mayonnaise into my right hole, so that when I eat finger food...I can flavour them while in my mouth!

And In case if you guys need a visual example:

I am feeling highly perturbed.

Ghetto Cubicle

2008-04-21T18:41:00.004+08:00

Hello folks

A couple of months ago, I was in a cubicle at the toilet situated at City Hall MRT station. Now, I usually rather wait for a cubicle, as opposed to a urinal because I really do not like it when people who stand next to me start attempting to take a peek at my package.

I’m sure I’m not the only guy who has experienced this but seriously I get ridiculously uncomfortable, and this translates to the lack of pee that will come out, which eventually leads to me standing there for a period longer than I was supposed to which subsequently encourages further scouting of my package by the person standing next to me. So that’s why I usually head for the cubicle...

As I was saying, I was in this cubicle right, and then...I realised the cubicle had double locks! I was thoroughly fascinated by it. I mean, what is this, the ghetto of toilets? Who gives a shit if it smells like donkey crap but for YOUR OWN PROTECTION, we shall install TWO LOCKS. That’s right.

In case there were a toilet, drive by shootout (hey it’s possible), I know, I will be safe in my DOUBLE LOCKED cubicle. I felt like I was peeing in a fucking bomb shelter. “IN case of an air raid, head to the nearest DOUBLE LOCKED cubicle people!”

Sigh.

There's a Hippo on my lower jaw, help.

2008-04-20T20:31:00.007+08:00

-Swipes the tip of blog, letting the dust accumulate on the edge of his fingers-

Ahh...hello folks.

Been a while hasn’t it? An over-extended hiatus which I had promised myself initially to not let it consume me but what do you know ehy? I got seduced by the lulling comforts of procrastination.

Nevertheless, I am back in the online realm, hopefully for a prolonged period this time around. Perhaps the very fact that I actually do care to update with such an afflatus entry is a portent of things to come?

I had all four of my wisdom tooth extracted a few days back and now my cheeks look like I have cue balls in them. It feels as if there’s a hippo happily sitting on my lower jaw. There’re stitches in the back of my gums, and The Lady in My Life (TLML) says that the reason I went under anaesthesia was not because of the pain, but because the people over at the hospital didn’t want me seeing a surgeon fingering my mouth whilst at the same time, humming away at his/her song of the week. I take anaesthesia anytime.

For those people who are planning to get their wisdom tooth (or teeth if you’re feeling adventurous, like me) extracted, here’s a gist of how the nice folks at National Dental Centre go about doing it.

But first, what is this, wisdom teeth?

It is the last set of molars that tend to grow out when you are between the ages of 18-22. Despite the rather positive connotations that the name ‘wisdom’ has, no, it is not a literal translation of how smart your teeth is. Think of it as a misnomer.

So, what’s the big deal if it grows out?

Well, nothing really, unless it’s an impacted wisdom tooth. You see, when your third molars (wisdoms) grow out, there are a few directions in which it will pop out. If your wisdom teeth grows out in a manner in which is goes against your gums, then yea, you have a fucking problem. There are a few other ways in which your teeth can grow out but I’m too bloody lazy to list them all.

For my case, thankfully, my wisdom teeth were growing out quite dandily except for one. My bottom right one gave me a few days of fever, and that was the trigger that led to my decision (to remove it). It also helped a tiny, minute, miniscule bit that my national service stint would cover up to 80% of the surgery fees. So with a clear understanding (more of a schoolboy glee mixed with curiosity) of what I was getting myself into, I made the call and arranged the appointment with the dentist.

Fast-forward a few weeks later and I was in my own private room (national service rocks!) with a blue, oversized, Jedi-like robe covering my entire body. I awaited the surgery with some trepidation, because the head nurse that briefed me a few moments earlier had told me that;

There is a 1% chance that I will have a permanent numbness in my tongue and lower jaw.
There is a 1% chance that I might not wake up from the anesthesia.

After she’s done telling me those awesome facts, she shoved this piece of paper in my face, telling me to sign it if I am aware of the risks involved. What the fuck? You’re telling me that;

I might not be able to feel my tongue after the surgery? I like my tongue! My TLML loves my tongue as well! How will I explain it to her??
So yea I might die, no biggie there...but the tongue thing, geez.

But I signed the agreement nonetheless, and they wheeled me (well not immediately) into the operating theatre. The last thing I remembered was when the nurse told me that the injection of the anesthesia was going to be very painful. She wasn’t fucking kidding. It felt like somebody was trying to burst my veins, and I knew that I wanted to tell her something but then....I went to sleep.

A very, deep sleep.

I woke up and they had stuffed cotton in my mouth. My head felt heavy, and they kept calling out my name. I gave them the thumbs up (I saw some dude doing it in the movies) and I clonked back out.

Back into that very, very comfortable slumber.

And all that happened on Friday....its Sunday today and my stitches are going to be removed on Tuesday. I can’t eat for nuts, and they keep telling me to eat soft food. A sponge is a soft food. And oh, below is an awesome picture of the stitches I was telling you folks about. And yes, that's the inside of my mouth:

So folks, go see a dentist if you have any dental problems, cause they sure as hell will pull it out for you. Don’t wait before it’s too late, like this guy below;

Walking Blues

2007-12-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

Folks, tis the season to get incredibly chagrined! That’s right. The holiday season is here, which equates to the swelling crowds and inevitably more encounters with moronic idiots of the lowest kind. Oh i think you folks know im talking about. I'm talking about the different types of idiots you can find in crowds. There are the reasons why people in general hate crowds.

You think driving is easy? Try walking. The government should start introducing lanes on pedestrian walkways. I mean, if you can do it for motorized vehicles, why not homo-sapiens right?

What i propose first and foremost, are clearly painted walkways to indicate and regulate the speed of walking. If you’re old or if you’re not feeling well, then move your slow ass to the left. Failure to do so will result in getting your ass trampled. You’ve been warned.

Next, have a basic walking theory and advance walking theory for every damn person. It is mandatory to take the test once you’ve reached erm, 7. Basically if you fail the test, your parents must carry your shitty ass all over Singapore. Why? Cause you’re not licensed to walk on this country’s pathways.

Folks who refuse to take the test will be hanged under judiciary law.

Let’s say you’ve passed your tests, hurray for you. You will be given a Provisional Walking License (PWL) and you will be allowed to walk all over Singapore in the designated lane provided. All PWL personnel MUST have the PWL triangle stapled to their damn forehead.

Folks who do not have the triangle stapled to their forehead will be hanged.

Once a PWL personnel clocks a certain amount of mileage, they will be required to undergo a practical test to determine their viability in gracing the pathways of Singapore.

Brilliant i tell you.

Because with the above measures, i can assure you that the following scenarios will be reduced dramatically (not eradicated because there will always be bad walkers.)

Example of bad walkers?

1^st crowd idiot – “I failed my breathalyser test”. Who are they?

There’re the ones who just cannot, for the life of them, walk straight. They tend to wander from left to right, oblivious to the world around them. When you try to overtake them, they wander back onto their original path, so what do you do? You try to overtake them in the other direction. Oh what’s this? They move BACK to that position that there were from. What i usually do is just stop and slap my forehead.

2^nd crowd idiot – “I discovered kryptonite!”. Who are they?

There’re the ones who, by some magnetic force or something, feel compelled to just have an emergency brake while walking in front of you. It’s like they’ve discovered kryptonite. But wait, they DIDN'T! That’s the fucking brilliance of it all. Sometimes im forced to slam into their backs, and what do they do? They give ME the look! It’s like i murdered their pet duck or something. I even end up grinding some when they suddenly brake.

3rd crowd idiot - "I can SMS and walk and KNOW where im going at the same time." Who are they?

Oh yes i know who you people are. This, folks, is the equivalent of the drunk driver. They're think they're steering to avoid people, but it's people who are avoiding them. I once let out a loud 'tsk', audible enough for the recipient to look up from her wondrous piece of technology and look for the source of that 'tsk' but i was busy finding a sledgehammer to bash her skull inward.

There are of course more variations to the idiots which you can find in crowds. What are your horror stories folks?

The Golden Compass

2007-12-16T11:56:00.000+08:00

Folks, I saw this movie a couple of days ago.

What is this movie about? It's about a world of daemons, dusks, witches, gypsies and Ice bears. A world where little Lyra is suddenly thrust into the role of the "saving the world" when she is given a 'idunnohowtospellmeter' aka "Golden Compass". What the compass does is instead of pointing north....it, well..points to the ultimate truth! Wah!

The promotional campaign that went on before this trilogy was that it was New Line Cinema's second majestic offering after the highly orgasmic LOTR series. They really shouldn't have done that. LOTR was a production which was in a league of its own. They might as well hired Peter Jackson again to do the Compass trilogy right?

So with a mentality of expecting it to be something like the LOTR, i went to watch Golden Compass and i felt cheated. I felt lead on. I felt that it played with my feelings. It's like being in a club and you start grinding a hot looking lass with killer tits, endless legs, sexed up hair and...wait a sec, an Adam's apple? What the? Yes. That's my analogy for the Golden Compass. It had the potential to be so, so much more. Except when you start to think it might be a really great movie, you get disappointed.

Character development were overlooked, action scenes were below par, and every damn time Daniel Graig appeared on screen i was half expecting him to say, "name's bond...James Bond". The sense you get from writer-director Chris Weitz was that he was late for a date when he directed this movie. He rushed through every bloody scene, hastily moving through conveniences which made you think perhaps one of the writers might have probably told him, "hey Chris, you have to make this movie, a tad more gripping at least." To which his reply might have been..."ah? Where got time??I late already." Of course, albeit without the tinge of singlish.

But of course, the movie wasn't all that bad. Look out for the ice bears, those awfully fierce looking armored bears with the one indebted to Lyra being voiced by Ian McKellen himself. It really is fucking cool to have a armored bear as your bodyguard. All i have is my pet cat Tom Tom.

The most arrogant cat I've ever known.

Oh well, here are random pictures from the movie folks.

"Excuse me sir, are you James Bond?" Lyra seems to be asking.

The "idunnohowtospellmeter" aka Golden Compass. Okay so, which way is north?

Eva Green as the witch. I think she's my favorite character because i like the color of her robe. And no that's not a bloody broomstick you moron, it's a bow. Oh Oh can you see a hint of cleavage? Bobos.

That is a fucking huge bear. Over 15 feet (Over 4 metres tall). Imagine if you had that as you pet and it ate your homework, and your parents. That was a random thought.

A close up of it. I want that in my room. My room will be coolest in the galaxy. Tom Tom will shit in his pants (if he'd were wearing one)

When the bear first came on screen, i thought it looked rather familiar. Grinding my memory as much as i could, i finally knew where i saw the bear from. Folks, this was where Director Chris Weitz got the perfect bear to play Ionek(name of the bear). I mean, where do you get a bear with experience? Acting experience mind you. Oh and yes, some of the usual suspects did go for the audition.

Was it Winnie the pooh? Director Chris admitted that Winnie was the first bear that came into mind. "Winnie's acting credentials are stupendous!" But alas, Chris had to pass him over? Why? He was too nice. Besides, reports are surfacing that he's a closeted Honey-abuser. Tsk tsk. He loved his honey. No, really, he REALLY, loved his honey.

Yogi bear is another cult figure in the bear acting circle. His comedy is still being run on Cartoon Network. But my sources have indicated that he didn't mind playing Ionek, only if the armor came with a tie and fedora hat. Your lost, Yogi.

So who did Chris decide to go with?

End.

Part II - Return of the Ridiculous Expectations

2007-12-10T01:23:00.000+08:00

Here's part two.

Before I begin my next article, here’s a public service announcement.

Public Service Announcement: You bloody dimwits. If you are in a bus or a train, do not magically fall asleep if you see an old folk gingerly making his/her way down the aisle. Carry your shitty ass up and acknowledge the old fellows to sit at your sit (motioning them to sit on your lap is a big no-no fellows). It’s not that hard is it? You retarded donkeys…what are you so afraid off? Be a man (or a woman) god damn it and give up your seat

*Guys should try to let their GF know where and wat their doing all the time.. SO should their Girl..
- "hi…im wanking at the moment"…."hi sweety…im scratching my balls at the moment"…"hey sexy…im watching porn with the guys at the moment…what bout you?"…Like that?

*Guys should NEVER Flirt around too Much.. SG is too small...Everyone would know that ya a JErk..
Girls can gossip quite alot..
- Constant flirting does not translate to being a jerk. Constant screwing however, is a different story. Especially so after you told every girl that you screwed that she’s your true love.

*Guys DO CRY.. they haf feelings too.. But dun CRY to Often...Coz its NOT very manly.. Besides ya be known as a WIMP..
- Amen.

*Guys should never give excuses like
` - SOrry I fell asleep..
` - Sorry I was caught in a jam..
` - Sorry my hp went Low..
` - Opps.. I didn't know that..
` - Oh i forgot... - Bloody shitheads.
Girls should never give excuses such as
- I have a headache
- im having my period
Shit…at least we put a ‘sorry’ in front of our excuses.

*Guys should be DARING to meet ani of their GF's friends, relatives.. blah blah...
- I have no problems meeting the relatives. But the problem here you see is that erm…isn’t the 4th day of the relationship a wee bit too soon?

*Guys should never make their GF to beg for them to do this or that..
- oh come on…girls on their knees are sexy…( oh oh touchy touchy~)

*Guy should Learn to behave themselves at times..
- Hmmm. No.

*Guys should always FEEL like a girl when guys r wif their GF.. Girls like guys who can be their bestfriend too.. Understanding.. etc..
- What the? I outta slap this blubbering donkey-ish writer. I’ll try to implement this rule here when the next girl I date is having her period ait? “OH MY goodness!. MY balls are bleeding!”. Im feeling like a girl alright.

*Guys. when ur gf say i love u truly. they reali mean it..
- DO take note guys. When your gfs say ‘I love you truly’, they really mean it. So if they’re just saying ‘I love you’, they’re just screwing with you.

Tsk.

Part 1 - Ridiculous Expectations

2007-12-10T01:07:00.000+08:00

Ah, I was held hostage by personal commitments, hence the over-extended hiatus. Here's an entry which some of you might be familiar with.

You know I nearly had a seizure when I came across a dimwitted list that stated the ‘expectations for gal’s BFs’. Everybody together now…1…2…3…puke. That’s right. Here’s my bloody analysis (On some of them, and no im not gonna list them all, cause I’ll really start puking on my keyboard).

*Guys should NEVER make a Girl WAIT...
- Isn’t it the other way around? “wait wait…I need to put on my lipstick…wait wait…I need to put on my push up cause my tits are touching my knees.…wait wait…I need to put stuff on my hair cause im balding”. Shitheads.

*Guys should be MORE sensitive to a girl's
feelings..
ME: blowjob?..please?
HER: FOR THE LAST TIME…NO YOU RETARD!!
Conclusion: She wasn’t sensitive to my feelings…why should I be? I was quite hurt at being called a retard. A man has his needs.

*Guys should NEVER neglect their GF just
becoz of their buddies..
- Unless you are openly comfortable about me commenting on some girl’s bobos being very bouncy or you know some important statistical infomation on an upcoming soccer match…I suggest you let it be.

*Guys should NEVER LIE.. coz the Girls r SMART these days..
- Ahh….these days ehy. I guess they really were dumb shits last time? What…don’t get angry at me…I didn’t write that.

*Guys should be MORE Patient and Understanding when its the "time of the
MOnth" for the Girls.. They tend to haf MOOD SwIngs...
- Gurls should be MORE Patient and understanding when it’s the “time of the day” for guys. In other words,when we get horny. *coughs*

*Guys should MAKE DECISIONS... Not say " dunno lar.. or anithing larz.." Girls like guys
who can make decisions.. whether is where to eat or go or do.. Bleahz~~
- Hell yeah…finally something I agree upon. Guys if you are under queen control, I personally give you authorization to bitch slap yourself.

*Guys should Try to send their GF home from sch or work if they haf the time despite
the distance.. Besides SG isn't very big..
- My ez-link disagrees. It bleeps not only because money’s being deducted, also cause it’s censoring it’s own version of vulgarities. “I can’t believe this bitch..,bleep bleep…not like she’s paralyzed…bleep bleep…and she’s too ugly to get raped…bleep bleep”

*Guys should learn to call and sms their GF ani time of the day/nite.. Basically give their
GF the sense of SECURITY.. tts wat girls want from most of their BF..
- My handphone bill disagrees. You can talk to it if you want. Unless, you want to either have A) Phone sex….or some weird reason B) SMS sex.

The list…even after omitting stupid ‘expectations’, is still quite long. I shall post the rest at another date. Watch this space for Part II- The Return of the Ridiculous Expectations.

Why Get Bored? - WIN, LOSE OR DRAW

2007-11-24T14:10:00.000+08:00

Hello folks.

Lets say you’re bored shitless in the office. What are some of the stuff that you can do?

You can count paper clips, you can…staple two irrelevant documents together. You can make prank calls to other departments and pretend to be somebody really important or you can challenge your colleagues to…WIN LOSE OR DRAW!!!!

What you need:
- a flipchart board or a whiteboard
- a non-permanent marker. Preferably one that isn’t running out of ink please.
- a group of willing participants with too much time to spare [ read as bored shitless colleagues]
- and also a theme for the drawings. Something easy, ie. movies.

Here you go folks. Can you guess the drawings? By the way the pictures below were taken at the point of completion. In other words, somebody guessed the correct answer while the drawer was drawing still. The theme for the drawings was movies.

Folks, what does a stick man plus a condom with a erm…noodle in its mouth equate to?
THE EXORCIST!. Can you fucking believe that? I guessed THE CONDOMAN. Next.

Ah I solved this one. Come on im sure you folks can guess it. A stick figure with bobos plus a floating head of what I think are ponytails. Or wings. hmm.

SPICE GIRLS! Moving on.

Yes that’s right. One of my colleagues got the answer without even having a single damn thing drawn onto it. Well I’d be damned.
The answer to the above? – MAN IN THE IRON MASK. I think my colleague who got the answer right and my other colleague who well, didn’t draw anything conspired on this puzzle. I have my suspicions.

This was quite easy to solve actually. I thought my colleague was drawing hieroglyphics. No, silly, he was drawing the movie…

BLACK HAWK DOWN. See the black dot? See the bird? See the down arrow? Genius I tell you.

My my what’s this? What do you get when a lady with a dough on her head combines with a…a…stick man with a swollen neck and a very bad teeth?

It’s bloody BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. I solved this one. –curtsies-. I am fucking brilliant.

So there you go folks, remember…

with WIN LOSE OR DRAW, you will get happy faces in the office. Or constipated ones from the intense concentration. I think they took it way too seriously.

This is a public service announcement - Ez-Link

2007-11-20T14:58:00.000+08:00

Good afternoon folks.

What I don’t get is when I take the MRT is the bit when you are at the gantry right, and you are doing your part as a civilized member of the public by standing in line and waiting patiently. You’re just waiting and looking all innocent when you start noticing that the line hasn’t moved for the past 3 years.

You know why? I bloody tell you why. Because this rather immaculately dressed office lady was busy bouncing her handbag up and down the card reader. Have you been guilty of that? You don’t take out your ez-link, you just tap your damn handbag. Harlow lady, its not a fucking handbag reader. It’s a ez-link card reader.

And she just looked ridiculous. The reader wasn’t detecting anything from her handbag, so she just kept turning and tossing her handbag in all sorts of positions. It was like she was making bloody prata.

Just take out your damn card, tap it on the reader, and move on. That’s it. Everybody will go home happy, the earth will continue to rotate on its axis, and the PAP will still be in power.

I bet some of you are definitely guilty of the above. Yes? The next person who taps her/his handbag/bag/plastic bag/travel bag/gunny sack or whatever thing other than the ez-link and the gantry can’t read it, Ima drive your damn forehead onto the reader until it beeps non-stop.

But im a nice guy still, of course.

Top Ten Explosive Rock Songs

2007-11-19T15:20:00.000+08:00

Hello Folks.

Earlier this year, The New Paper had a contest in which you submit your top ten songs for a chosen genre for that particular week, and if they like it, they'll give you an ipod.

I submitted the following list but they snubbed me. Fuck them.

I really wanted that damn ipod. Nonetheless, here's the list. Theme for that week was rock. Now the thing with rock is that it's very broad still, so i decided to narrow it down by selecting songs that were explosive in nature:

Each of these songs was chosen for their explosive nature. A rock song’s explosion bit is the part of the song which truly encapsulates every essence of what rock music is truly about i.e. Rawness, Pureness and Explosiveness of a distorted guitar riff which seem to radiate through our speakers and into our heads, causing uncontrollable spasms which in turn lead to the unexplainable motion of moving our heads back and forth, our eyelids half closed and our fingers picking away at the imaginary air guitar. All of us have been guilty of doing those things, right?

FEE’s EXPLOSIVE Rock Playlist
*Parenthesis indicates explosive bits of the song.
VE indicates Verse Explosiveness (max 10 pts)
CE indicates Chorus Explosiveness. (max 10 pts)

Nirvana – Lithium (0:38 secs, 1:57mins)
Grunge Gurus Nirvana kicks start the playlist with a rock song which lulls listeners with its simplistic verse, only to shatter eardrums with its EXPLOSIVE chorus. This is a simple rock song at its best. Another example of a song with the same format would be Radiohead’s ‘Creep’.
VE:5, CE: 9

Drowning Pool – I don’t care about anyone (0:37secs, 1:20mins, 2:54mins)
This heavy metal outfit from Dallas was a very promising band until their vocalist was found dead on the tour bus. Their first rock hit was, ‘Bodies’, is seriously off the charts in the EXPLOSIVE barometer. So to protect the eardrums of mainstream Singaporeans, I’ve decided to include their milder rock hit instead.
VE: 7, CE: 8

Endo– Simple Lies (0:49secs, 2:40mins)
The bass line and the drums in the verse for this song is just bliss. Perfectly synchronized with the continuous guitar riff in the verse, it sets up perfectly for the chorus. You have been warned. VE: 7, CE: 9

Breaking Benjamin – Breath (0:05secs, 1:03secs, 2:44mins)
They aren’t quite well known by the local crowd here. But ask any expatriate teenager here about them and you get a euphoric response. They are known for their melodious brand of rock and their lyrical prowess. The chorus is exceptionally brilliant, bringing listeners through a series of emotions within ten seconds.
VE: 7, CE: 9.

Creed - Bullets(0:47secs)
I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled upon this track. The Creed we hear here is very incongruent with the songs we usually are exposed to by them. I am not complaining of course. VE: 8, CE: 9

Disturbed – Stupify (0:01secs, 0:59secs)
Formed in 1996, this hard rock band from Chicago has been around long enough to produce some of the most awesome riffs in rock history. The verse in this song is unique due to its synthesized guitar effect, while the chorus is just pure EXPLOSION. Keep an ear out for a surprising bit at 2:27mins. Go ahead.
VE: 8, CE: 9

Muse – Hysteria(0:01secs, 0:21secs, 1:03mins, 2:25mins)
They came to Fort Canning, they saw their fans, and they conquered their hearts (or ears). Muse is a band which needs no introduction. This song especially, with its EXPLOSIVE distorted bass intro, you know what you’re getting into when you listen to this song.
VE: 8, CE: 9

Korn– Twisted Transistor (0:08secs, 0:35secs, 0:43secs, 0:52secs)
Do not let the hilarious music video fool you guys. KORN is a rock making factory, and the chorus in this song just solidifies their brand of music i.e. EXPLOSIVENESS.
VE: 8, CE: 10

System of a Down – Toxicity (0:12secs, 1:13mins, 2:38mins, 3:25mins)
Not a mainstream radio band in Singapore, System of a Down’s brand of music is the sort which many stations cannot handle. It’s too raw, too rugged, and too rough. It is just, too rock. With drum beats like this, your woofers need to be made of solid titanium.
VE:9, CE: 10

Metallica – Wherever I may roam (0:30secs, 0:48secs, 2:05mins, 3:42mins, 4:14mins, 5:43mins)
Do I really need to say much? Okay, maybe two words: ORGASMIC ROCK.
VE: 10, CE: 10

And there you have it, the ten most EXPLOSIVE rock songs.

Folks, you know of other explosive songs?

Beowulf

2007-11-16T14:00:00.000+08:00

Folks, I saw this movie yesterday.

“I am fucking fierce…*grunts*”

The movie is an adaptation of a poem written by an unknown Anglo-Saxon writer. Other than that, what is the movie really all about?

Watching Beowulf is like watching Shrek, except that it’s not as colorful, there are no talking donkeys and there’s ANGELINA JOLIE .

The movie is about ANGELINA JOLIE and how she is naked. That’s it. That’s my fucking review. Go watch the movie for ANGELINA JOLIE naked, well, not fully naked, she still has some gold liquid covering her digitally perfect bobos but hell, I ain’t complaining.

What else is the movie about? Hmm, there’s this really fierce guy who fights naked and stuff and….yea pretty much that’s it.

“very cheap…top quality…lowest price I tell you…ni yao?”

The above scene shows the dramatic turning point of the movie when the old dude with a rather cute beard haggles with our hero for the price of the yellow spitting cup. Huh? What king? Where? Stop assuming lah folks. Just believe me.

“$5.40? Do I hear $5.50? $5.50 going once…going twice”

When our hero Beowulf grows old, he realized he bought a piece of crap and had been skillfully swindled by the old dude with e cute beard. He therefore tries to auction it off. Most exciting part of the movie I tell you.

“Not funny lor…where are my clothes? Harlow?...Harlow?”

To make matters worse, some really mean dudes stole his clothes. The piece of crap that he was holding reek so much crapness that they didn’t even take that. Feeling incredibly chagrined, he goes out in search of his clothes, bringing along that piece of crap in hopes of bashing the head of the people who stole his clothes.

“Hey big boy, they stole my clothes too…”

Yup. That’s ANGELINA JOLIE’s digitally perfect bum bums. That long tail that you see is her ponytail. If you look closely, she’s even wearing heels. How kinky can a naked ANGELINA JOLIE get?

So it seems that ANGELINA JOLIE’s clothes were stolen as well. Damn. What are the odds? The director’s twist totally caught me off guard.

I couldn’t remember the lines that were said during the scene above because I was busy ejaculating. Pardon me.

So yea that’s what the movie is about. Two totally random folks who got their clothes stolen and through a happenstance of events, they get to meet and have sex. The end.

Here are other random pics:

That was the gold liquid I was telling you folks about.

It doesn’t matter if you have a pimple outbreak, a bad hair day and a hole in the pants. If you’re ANGELINA JOLIE, it doesn’t matter.

Because you know, at the end of the day, you will still end up looking like this:

Amen folks, amen.

IRC

2007-11-11T11:14:00.000+08:00

This post was much well loved. Conjured up during a time when I was bored shitless, what I did was to go into IRC. Two channels in particular, #melayu and #sex. In both channels, i masqueraded as females. Here you go again, an unedited transcript of my adventure. Parenthesis denotes my comments.

Below is an actual chat transcript with my first victim:

<^dope> u ada bf ke ( you have bf?)

<^Linda15> no..me dunch have bf~ (im linda15)

<^Linda15> interested ya?

<^Linda15> heheheh (15 yr olds are known to be gigglish)

<^dope> yes.. hehe

<^dope> u ada brapa ex? (how many ex bfs do you have?)

<^Linda15> i have 23 ex

<^dope> wah siao liao

<^dope> so many ah

<^Linda15> hehehe

<^Linda15> u so funny~ (no he wasn't funny god damn it)

<^Linda15> not dat many lahh

<^dope> my gosh....

At this point, i told him brb (be right back), to which i
proceeded to update my website. Poor dope, he's still waiting for me.
Alright, for my next victim, i decided to become a seductive 19/f/singapore poly student in the #sex.

First of all, when i entered the channel, i was swamped with messages from guys with nicknames ranging from DICK to Abang~. Weird. Here's your next transcript. Again, my nickname is Linda:

<^cool>) u honey, honey?

<^Linda> i money money

<^Linda> *grins*

<^cools> u horny, honey?

<^Linda> oo..u kinky kinky ya (i dunno why the hell this guy talks like this)

<^Linda>19/f/sp sweets

<^Mark30s> sweets? what do u mean (wtf dude)

<^Linda> hehe..*seductive grin*

<^Mark30s> tell me lah..

I had such a ball of a time that a few weeks later, i did it again.

<^V^cOkE> sianz~

<^V^cOkE> u wanna fling?

<^Linda> fling to where? (me playing the, ‘innocent girl’ card)

<^V^cOkE> my place?

<^Linda> I might need a catupult

<^V^cOkE> catupult?

<^V^cOkE> wat is that?

<^V^cOkE> u therE?

<^V^cOkE> u wanna fling naot?

<^V^cOkE> u wanna fling anot?

<^Linda> y dun u build me a...catupult.baby~

<^V^cOkE> wat is catupult?

<^V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah?? (this is just so classic)

<^V^cOkE> u wan fling de mah??

<^ricks> thining of sleeping nude today

<^ricks> dun u

<^ricks> sometime

<^Linda> do u like ponies? (notice how I skillfully changed the topic)

<^ricks> ponies the animal?

<^Linda> yes..my pink pony

<^Linda> I always buy em

<^ricks> actual pony or?

<^Linda> nono

<^Linda> those.small.ones

<^ricks> toy?

<^Linda> something like it

<^ricks> haha ok

<^Linda> seven eleven got sell

<^ricks> ur collection big? (he seems genuinely interested)

<^Linda> okok only

<^Linda> sometimes my bro buy for me

<^ricks> hmm n wat he gets from u in return (I sense a trap)

<^Linda> potatoes

<^Linda> n.donuts

<^ricks> hehe ok

<^ricks> u into sex chat? (if all else fails, try the direct route)

<^Linda> define sex chat (still holding the ‘innocent girl’ card)

<^ricks> talk about sex exp or fantasy

<^Linda> does ponies count?

<^ricks> not really unless u use them to mas

<^Linda> to malaysia?

<^Linda> cannot pass custom (He stopped messaging me. Wonder why.)

-<^Coby> harlows

<^Linda> bye

<^Linda> bye (well….)

<^EniHs> hihi r u horny?? wanna cybersex?

<^Linda> no, sorry im Linda

<^Linda> wrong.person (end of conversation)

<^LicpUs> hi

<^Linda> LicpUs?

<^Linda> are u like a pokemon?

<^LicpUs> ?????? (Come on..it sounds like it doesn't it? I choose you LICPUS!)

<^Linda> why is ur name Ivian

<^Ivian> cos i am ivian

<^Ivian> hah

<^Linda> I tht u mineral water (I am fucking hilarious, i know.)

<^KhoO> hi helo

<^Linda> are u eric khoo?

<^KhoO> nope

<^KhoO> y?

<^Linda> ohh

<^suntanguy> hihi ! r u very open-minded & do u fling? i'm 28/m/ch/sg, 180cm , 74kg , tanned ...u?

<^Linda>im.7..i have.hairy.tits..my.own.mum.srubs.my.toes.cause.i.cant.reach.em..n.i.eat.ants

Thats it folks.

Why Get Bored? - Bus Edition [extracted from www.stuffbyme.bravehost.com]

2007-11-09T17:20:00.001+08:00

Folks, stuffbyme.bravehost.com was my old site. I figured if im lazy to get new content, i just steal from my old site. Bloody brilliant.

Ever hoped onto a bus, sat down and realised that it's going to be a long journey and you have no idea what on earth you are going to do? Sure, you can go to sleep, but it's so passe~~..everybody's doing it..why must you do the same? Why not be different?..Thats right!..Be different..Why not annoy the hell out of somebody..and have fun at the same time??
Here are some of the things you can do on a bus when you are seated:

Wave to the people in the vehicles that passes your bus. Even better when a bus stops next to the bus you are in and everybody's looking glum. If they wave back, give them the.."sheesh..is he/she crazy or somthing?" look. If they give you that look..you pretend to sleep.
Start talking to the person seated next to you, if they ignore you, say loudly, "I think you have shit on you face". That will sure get them talking...something.
Start poking yourself.
Rub your thigh, and when the person next to you gives you a weird/funny/"what the shit is she/he doing?" look, you stare at them and start licking your lips
Pull the hair of the person in front of you. When they turn around, immeadiately stare at the person sitting next to you accusingly.
Start talking to yourself.
Start bouncing in your sit. Tell the person next to you that you're trying to flatten your big butt.
Start touching the glass panickly, and yell.."We're trapped!!"

When you're standing...

Pretend to pole dance with one of the poles.
Place your fingers against one of the bell and block it entirely. When somebody tries to be polite and ask you to move cause they want to press..start pressing the bell like crazy.
Walk up and down the aisle of the bus saying out loud.."I dropped my wallet.." while at the same time holding your wallet in full view of everybody in the bus.
Keep mimicking the ez-link "beep" sound everytime someone stands up or sits down.
Stare at the person sitting in front of you.
Sway around even though the bus isnt turning or braking and make sounds like .."Woah!!"

Okay im tired.

I have to try this one...

2007-11-09T15:14:00.000+08:00

Musical condom hits the high notes

A musical condom designed to play louder and faster as lovers reach a climax is to go on sale in Ukraine.
Grigoriy Chausovsky, from Zaporozhye, said his condoms came fitted with a special sensor that registers when the condom is put on.
It transmits a signal to a miniature speaker in the base of the condom which play a melody.
He told local media: "As the sex becomes more passionate, it registers the increased speed of the movements and plays the melody faster and louder."

www.annanova.com

Well I be damned folks..imagine that. I wonder if they have hits from like British Top 10 or something.

This is my laptop

2007-11-09T02:13:00.000+08:00

My laptop is messed up. I’ve told some people on my msn that if there were to be an old folk’s home for laptops, I’ll dump this old piece of crap there. It throws tantrums all the time. It hangs on me every 17 minutes. It restarts whenever it feels like doing so. It goes blank when Im not looking. I can hear the mechanism churning away in mockery at my situation.

See that? See how it poses smugly when I took its picture. And yes, that is an external keyboard attached onto my laptop. This is my laptop. Let us take a closer look.

Look at that. How lovely. Notice that blue strip of lining just below the TOSHIBA label? That was where the plastic cover used to be. So basically it’s the exposed underlining of my laptop. I press that everyday, thus exposing myself to a 13% risk of being electrocuted. I like to live my life on the edge. I’m cool and dangerous like that.

Now where did the arrow buttons go? I was playing Winning Eleven, and I badly wanted Ryan Giggs to run faster but he just wouldn’t budge. I kept pressing, and pressing and…fuck, my Up Arrow button came off. Initially I was fascinated with the nipple like surface that suddenly appeared. Truth is I kept rubbing it even. But then reality hit me and I mourned the loss for 2 weeks. I honestly cannot remember how the right and down arrow buttons disappeared.

Hey look, more nipples! The story with the number 4 button was that at one point of time, my keypad kept dishing out continuous strings of 4s during random moments. Those who chatted with me on msn were painfully aware of my predicament, and damn you people who laughed their heads off. Nonetheless, I figured, hell, why not just damage the number 4 button, thus rendering it useless? So I poked and I stabbed and I plucked and I managed to take out the buttons F1, F4 and 3 at the same time. Every war has its casualties.

But that damn number 4 just kept appearing. Even when I uninstalled the keyboard driver, windows will reinstall it upon restart. I was running out of ideas, and I was getting desperate. So I did this.

I manually took out my laptop’s keyboard. After I took it out I paraded it around Toa Payoh, let some old folks fart on it and convinced a few teens to pee on it. I took it back home….

and fed it to my ferocious cat, Tom Tom.

That would teach it to mess with me.