This is my laptop

My laptop is messed up. I’ve told some people on my msn that if there were to be an old folk’s home for laptops, I’ll dump this old piece of crap there. It throws tantrums all the time. It hangs on me every 17 minutes. It restarts whenever it feels like doing so. It goes blank when Im not looking. I can hear the mechanism churning away in mockery at my situation.


See that? See how it poses smugly when I took its picture. And yes, that is an external keyboard attached onto my laptop. This is my laptop. Let us take a closer look.

Look at that. How lovely. Notice that blue strip of lining just below the TOSHIBA label? That was where the plastic cover used to be. So basically it’s the exposed underlining of my laptop. I press that everyday, thus exposing myself to a 13% risk of being electrocuted. I like to live my life on the edge. I’m cool and dangerous like that.

Now where did the arrow buttons go? I was playing Winning Eleven, and I badly wanted Ryan Giggs to run faster but he just wouldn’t budge. I kept pressing, and pressing and…fuck, my Up Arrow button came off. Initially I was fascinated with the nipple like surface that suddenly appeared. Truth is I kept rubbing it even. But then reality hit me and I mourned the loss for 2 weeks. I honestly cannot remember how the right and down arrow buttons disappeared.

Hey look, more nipples! The story with the number 4 button was that at one point of time, my keypad kept dishing out continuous strings of 4s during random moments. Those who chatted with me on msn were painfully aware of my predicament, and damn you people who laughed their heads off. Nonetheless, I figured, hell, why not just damage the number 4 button, thus rendering it useless? So I poked and I stabbed and I plucked and I managed to take out the buttons F1, F4 and 3 at the same time. Every war has its casualties.

But that damn number 4 just kept appearing. Even when I uninstalled the keyboard driver, windows will reinstall it upon restart. I was running out of ideas, and I was getting desperate. So I did this.

I manually took out my laptop’s keyboard. After I took it out I paraded it around Toa Payoh, let some old folks fart on it and convinced a few teens to pee on it. I took it back home….




and fed it to my ferocious cat, Tom Tom.

That would teach it to mess with me.