Folks, tis the season to get incredibly chagrined! That’s right. The holiday season is here, which equates to the swelling crowds and inevitably more encounters with moronic idiots of the lowest kind. Oh i think you folks know im talking about. I'm talking about the different types of idiots you can find in crowds. There are the reasons why people in general hate crowds.
You think driving is easy? Try walking. The government should start introducing lanes on pedestrian walkways. I mean, if you can do it for motorized vehicles, why not homo-sapiens right?
What i propose first and foremost, are clearly painted walkways to indicate and regulate the speed of walking. If you’re old or if you’re not feeling well, then move your slow ass to the left. Failure to do so will result in getting your ass trampled. You’ve been warned.
Next, have a basic walking theory and advance walking theory for every damn person. It is mandatory to take the test once you’ve reached erm, 7. Basically if you fail the test, your parents must carry your shitty ass all over Singapore. Why? Cause you’re not licensed to walk on this country’s pathways.
Folks who refuse to take the test will be hanged under judiciary law.
Let’s say you’ve passed your tests, hurray for you. You will be given a Provisional Walking License (PWL) and you will be allowed to walk all over Singapore in the designated lane provided. All PWL personnel MUST have the PWL triangle stapled to their damn forehead.
Folks who do not have the triangle stapled to their forehead will be hanged.
Once a PWL personnel clocks a certain amount of mileage, they will be required to undergo a practical test to determine their viability in gracing the pathways of Singapore.
Brilliant i tell you.
Because with the above measures, i can assure you that the following scenarios will be reduced dramatically (not eradicated because there will always be bad walkers.)
Example of bad walkers?
1st crowd idiot – “I failed my breathalyser test”. Who are they?
There’re the ones who just cannot, for the life of them, walk straight. They tend to wander from left to right, oblivious to the world around them. When you try to overtake them, they wander back onto their original path, so what do you do? You try to overtake them in the other direction. Oh what’s this? They move BACK to that position that there were from. What i usually do is just stop and slap my forehead.
2nd crowd idiot – “I discovered kryptonite!”. Who are they?
There’re the ones who, by some magnetic force or something, feel compelled to just have an emergency brake while walking in front of you. It’s like they’ve discovered kryptonite. But wait, they DIDN'T! That’s the fucking brilliance of it all. Sometimes im forced to slam into their backs, and what do they do? They give ME the look! It’s like i murdered their pet duck or something. I even end up grinding some when they suddenly brake.
3rd crowd idiot - "I can SMS and walk and KNOW where im going at the same time." Who are they?
Oh yes i know who you people are. This, folks, is the equivalent of the drunk driver. They're think they're steering to avoid people, but it's people who are avoiding them. I once let out a loud 'tsk', audible enough for the recipient to look up from her wondrous piece of technology and look for the source of that 'tsk' but i was busy finding a sledgehammer to bash her skull inward.
There are of course more variations to the idiots which you can find in crowds. What are your horror stories folks?
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